Socially Inept - Me or You?

At Dirty French, in New York, for my 50th Birthday celebration with Nadir, Isaad & Lyali ❤️

So, some blog posts ago, I made a reference to my social anxiety situation - I’m so tempted to say my social anxiety “struggles” but I’ll most definitely refrain from using that term. I shall avoid that term for two reasons: a) It’s sooo overused and b) The mere thought of that word causes me anxiety! Honestly, I don’t think I had any anxiety of this nature as I was growing up - I mean, there was plenty of other stuff going on, as it was with most of my peers. I’m referring to those yucky, yet beautiful teens, followed by my 20s, spent exploring, 30s, getting settled and 40s, raising babies, working and owning who I was. Although, it’s quite possible, that I had experienced my SA (Social Anxiety) earlier but I believe I had not identified it. Perhaps, becoming more aware of who I am (thank you, my dear 40s), made me more cognizant of my vulnerabilities? Either way, it is something I’m aware of now and comfortable enough, obviously, to share and discuss with you openly.

I kind of recall the exact day, time and moment when I first recognized it. Nadir and I were getting ready for a big black tie event in 2001, when I started to feel really uneasy. Initially, I attributed it to my asthma, such was my physical discomfort. But, after it continued to persist despite a few puffs of my inhaler, I knew it was something else. I tried not to make much of it and may even have pretended it was something I was imagining. We arrived at the gala and I remember clutching onto Nadir’s hand and asking him to stay very close to me and to not leave me alone at all. I did leave his hand for the pictures, of course, but he was right next to me or behind the photographer for those single shots I live for;)

On a serious note, though, I’m sure you guys know me a bit by now and know that I’m not AT ALL the clingy type, who needs her hubby next to her at all times! But this was different and the feeling is almost indescribable. I’ll try to put it in words for you. I felt as if the sea of people around me would envelope me and I would, subsequently, be unable to breathe. It was emotionally rather than physically claustrophobic! Do you know what I mean? My throat felt constricted and my heart started racing. I literally wanted to turn around and leave. It was/is a completely uncontrollable state of being and your helplessness exacerbates the feeling! It is truly horrible!

Over the years, as I started experiencing it more often, I almost knew when to expect it and started avoiding situations where I believed I would get triggered. That, my friends, is a band-aid of sorts and not sustainable! The other part of this story is my personality and lifestyle as a whole. I’m pretty reserved, much to the surprise of most people, and take my time opening up to and trusting people. Cautious, according to some! However, simultaneously, I am a very direct person and will always say what’s on my mind without mincing a single word. And given, that my work and life involve interactions with new people very often, I have to let my guard down and ease into conversations as best as I can. And, I do think, I do a pretty okay job of it! Unfortunately, there’s a dichotomy of sorts in how I probably come across. Blunt, yet reserved. Socially anxious but with the appearance of an extrovert?

I’m not by any means, suggesting that power on without help if you feel this way. I’ve received help for sure. Nadir, my beloved husband of 23 years and my dear friend and energy healer, Kim Bellisimo, have been my pillars of strength. And now, both my children too. Isaad & Lyali, know about it and are so, so supportive, that I actually get emotional thinking about their love for me. Recently, at an event in New York, even though, I’m much better at handling it, Isaad was the one who’s hand I held as we navigated our way into a big crowd. Fortunately enough, the feeling subsides sooner than it used to and on most occasions it’s not too severe. It still does rear it’s not so pretty head, unannounced, at times!

Recently, as evidenced, by this blog post, I’ve decided to become more vocal about this topic and the impact it’s had on my life. Don’t worry, I won’t be stopping random strangers on the street to relate my predicament to them. If, however, the conversation does veer in this direction, among friends at gatherings, I’ll happily talk about my ongoing experience. An experience, that has humbled and strengthened me. So, a sort of a friend, (more of an acquaintance now:) does not flippantly disregard, with a wave of her hand, the mention of my anxiety next time! Or perhaps, I could stir it up a bit and call HER socially inept??

How can I possibly celebrate turning 50 without a selfie?

Thank you for visiting & reading my blog post! BTW, all the photos in this blog post are from my 50th Birthday celebration with my hubby, kids, sister-in-law and nieces. It was the BEST way to turn 50! To ring in my big day, I had been planning a party for about 30 friends that somehow turned into an event for 60 and then for a 100 people. Soo, I cancelled it and instead celebrated with my family and without any potential for social anxiety, that could have very well surfaced with a 100 friends wishing me a happy birthday:) Lots and lots of love from the stirrer;)